have yourself a memorable little christmas party

my best advice for party throwers and goers for low-stress parties that sparkle, holiday edition. from 11+ years of organizing gatherings.

gathering my people is a beloved, even involuntary, habit of mine. it’s in my nature to host and organize and be that friend that gets all the other friends together. I love the creativity of curation, taking a simple list and shaping it into a shared memory. I love the day-of rush, my whole world narrowed to preparation. I love lighting every single candle I own and tempting the gods. I love seeing my friends in one space, laughing and embracing. I love that glittering moment when time slows and I look around at the faces of second family flickering with the warm glow of candles, overwhelmed, sure my heart will burst from the pain of being loved.

being a host is not for everyone. it’s hard and stressful and sometimes bitterly disappointing. you learn behaviors of people you wish you hadn’t. and it can feel like a burden when you’re the only organizer of your group.

but I’ve grown by being hostess, stretched into a softer shape. more forgiving, fewer expectations. and all those glittering moments over the years, the bonds forged between friends over my candlelight—all of it has been worth that.

here, the most important lessons I’ve learned from dozens of parties, gatherings, dinners, girls nights, game nights, and every other modality of getting together. these apply year-round, but I’ve included some extra tips and recs for holiday events too, plus some gentle advice for guests.

happy hosting, loves.

include activities to make your party memorable
priya parker’s insight in the art of gathering is to give your events purpose to make them memorable. this makes sense and works for many kinds of gatherings (girls nights, book clubs, weddings). but what about a halloween party? a christmas cocktail? lots of people sitting and standing in one room, music, food, drink. for the most part, these are formulaic parties that don’t necessarily have purpose or meaning, even if they’re fun. but I want more than that, I want memorable. group experiences with depth. to bridge the gap, I started incorporating activities into my parties. small things that dispel the monotony, add spice, and give my guests something more meaningful to do. some ideas:

• simple crafts that keep hands busy but allow for conversation

• conversation bingo (cross off a square when someone says the word/phrase)

• start and end the party in different locations

• cards with conversation starters

• leave a tarot deck on the coffee table

• pen-and-paper crosswords and word puzzle books

break party up into 2-3 chapters
I think about my party like a story: exposition, climbing action, climax, falling action, resolution. how do I want it to start? what note do I want to end on? what’s the main event? how should my guests feel throughout? I use food, drink and activities to weave a story and give my event structure.

send invites 4 weeks in advance
less than that may not be enough time for the other planners in my life, especially around the holidays. more than that, and people have trouble committing. I like partiful for cute invites that come together in a few minutes.

make 10% of your guests people outside your usual invite circle
this adds a sparkle that no amount of planning can account for.

curate, don’t cook
if more than 5 people are coming, I’m not cooking. I assemble beautiful platters or easy no-cook dishes instead. charcuterie never fails: there are a million combinations, it scales up and down seamlessly, it can be seasonal and festive, it can accommodate all dietary preferences (eg gluten-free crackers and many cheeses are naturally lactose free), it comes together in 30 minutes or less, I can show off all my cute serving trays and tiny spoons, and it saves me 150% of the stress I would otherwise have trying to cook and prep simultaneously.

set yourself up for success on the day of
it took me years to not turn into a stressy asshole that couldn’t cope with the slightest mishap the week of my party. now I handle changes with grace, and owe much of that to having a detailed list and schedule. I spread out my to-dos over the whole week—here’s what that might look like.

the week of

• 7 days before: finalize my to-do and grocery lists

• 3-5 days before: get groceries and run any other errands needed

• 2 days before: decorate

• 1 day before: clean, and set up tables, chairs, areas for food and drinks

the day of — my entire day is dedicated to prep, no other obligations or errands

• 10a: finish decorating and setting up, set up activities, start food prep

• 330p: shower, makeup, get dressed

• 430p: prep food

• 530p: cleaning touch-ups

• 550p: light candles and put on music

• 6p: guests start arriving

absolutely zero overhead lighting
not even dimmed recessed lighting. candles, lamps and string lights only.

candles are a non-negotiable. I’ll have candlelight dancing on nearly every surface, in every corner, illuminating the space with a soft, romantic glow. one of them will be a seasonal scent, the rest are fragrance free. yes, they’re toxic and a fire hazard and etc etc, but they’re the devil I choose and I can’t host without them. electric candles and candle-warmer lamps are an option for those less brazen than me.

little touches that make a difference

• for groups of 10+, I lower the temperature a few degrees. more bodies = more heat

• make space for guests’ shoes, coats and bags in the entryway or bedroom

• carefully choose music to match the party’s story and vibe, usually jazz or classical, something soothing but upbeat to nurture conversation

• ice is always a good idea, I delegate this task out

• don’t skip decorating the bathroom and hallways

• little guest gifts, like handwritten cards or goodie bags to take home leftovers

let your guests help you clean up
it seems like the proper hostessy thing to ensure my guests “don’t lift a finger” when they offer to help, but that denies them the chance to feel useful. I let my guests clean up after we eat or at the end of the night, and it means having 90% of my cleaning done in 10% of the time. sometimes I let just the men clean up and it’s very satisfying and cute.

don’t take nos or cancellations or changes personally
this is the hardest one to embody. maybe this comes naturally to you, but it took me years to get right. when people don’t come or change plans or leave early—it’s not personal. it’s not about me, and when it happens to you, it’s not about you either. even if it’s your best friend that bails last minute for a reason you don’t agree with. even if someone shows up with 2 unexpected guests and you don’t have enough chairs or place settings. even if the person you wanted to see most leaves hours early for reasons they could’ve prevented. these have all happened to me and they hurt like a bruise pressed into my chest. but as a host, I understand these things happen. they’re normal. they’re unavoidable and inevitable and not about me. as a host, I expect change and agree to act with generosity and kindness no matter what.

so don’t take any of it personally, and never make your guests feel bad. this will only push them away, or make them wary of attending future events. the best thing you can do is take a deep breath, maintain your poise, and respond with grace. you’ll feel like a queen when you do.

FOR HOLIDAY PARTIES

‘tis the season of compostable decor
yule gives us all the decoration we need. fresh garlands everywhere. dried orange ornaments that hook onto a tree or garland (I made mine 3 years ago and they’re still beautiful). tablescapes with fresh cranberries, pomegranates, evergreen branches, cinnamon sticks and sprigs of rosemary. fresh holly and mistletoe tied with ribbon.

bake cookies
this is the exception to my earlier rule of no cooking, because truly there is no christmas party without cookies. I keep it simple with 2ish different cookies (like gingerbread and salted chocolate chip with walnuts) and make dough up to 2 weeks in advance. I’ll bake the day before or the morning of, and serve them on raised or tiered platters.

favorite christmas & yule playlists
dark academia christmas, christmas with bach, christmas choir, christmas in new york jazz, more jazz, instrumental jazz, yule tunes, celtic christmas.

activity ideas for chapters of the party
beginning: drinks at a christmas-themed bar (like miracle), seven fishes potluck, sugar cookie decorating, yule crafts, yule ceremony (like lighting the yule log), small gesture or ceremony to honor ancestors

middle: white elephant, singing christmas carols (with or without music instruments), group nighttime stroll around the neighborhood

end: world’s greatest group game, fishbowl, hot tubbing, watching a movie

HOST ESSENTIALS

a list of things I use in every one of my parties.

• truly dripless taper candles and mostly dripless bulk ivory tapers

• thrifted candelabras and taper holders

• small thrifted lamps for the kitchen and bathroom

• antique thrifted silver-plated trays, bowls and dessert cups

• handmade ceramics from a local artist or east fork

• a LOT of small bowls

• cloth napkins in bulk (instead of paper napkins)

• reusable plastic plates in bulk (instead of paper plates)

• stemless wine glass sets for a lot of glasses that match, but aren’t too fragile and are easy to replace

• thrifted crystal glasses, mix or match (I like having mixed)

• lighters that don’t burn your thumb off

• mini polaroid camera that makes memories tangible and so romantic

RSVP promptly and commit
before you respond to your host, take a minute to think about what your life will look like on the day of the party. do you have a lot already going on that day / week? will you have the energy to go? if you say yes, will you make yourself follow through and show up? canceling last minute, while understandable sometimes, is disappointing and disruptive. even if your host responds graciously, it changes her vision, her plans, and the dynamic she so thoughtfully created for you. it’s better to say no from the beginning than cancel later on. if you do have to cancel, do so with consideration for her investment and feelings. here’s an example of a cancelation message that would land well with me:

“I’m so sorry to cancel last minute, but [reason that’s descriptive enough to be legit but doesn’t need to reveal all the details], which means it’s just not possible for me to come. I’m bummed, and I’m sure you’re disappointed too. I know how much energy you put into the party and I’m really sad to miss it. I hope you all have a wonderful time.”

respond to your host’s texts
there’s nothing more depressing for a host than messaging the party group chat with all the event details, reminders, questions, requests, etc—and getting crickets in response. message her back! throw the bubble a thumbs-up! say yes or thank you or sounds good! it’s a 2-second gesture that means more than you think.

pitch in
a good guest asks how they can help. a great guest jumps in without needing instructions. bring ice or extra chairs. wipe down counters, clean up glasses, take out the trash. hand her some flowers or wine or a handwritten card when you walk in. venmo her $20 after the party. leaning in shows your host you don’t take her for granted.

always, always say thank you
say thank you and say it again, tell her what you loved about it, tell her how it made you feel. you’ll make her tender heart sing.

<3 thank you for reading, it means so, so much.